running away

For most of the past twelve years I've been running away. Running away from myself, my family my future, my dreams, and most important, from God. Slowly I turn away from everything and hurt myself by denying my love for Christ, by denying Him my life I slowly kill myself from the inside out. I have to ask myself is the pain from things so bad that I can't let myself live? I can't let myself be happy? I hope I am not complaining, or whinning. But I have to be honest with myself. I am denying a love so great, one I can't even imagine. And I've come to realise over the last few years that the pain I've experienced is yes very horrible, but not life shattering enough to give up everytime I start to try. I need to have faith that I can and will get over this pain, and forgive. I listened to a song by Chris August the other day and was amazed by it. It was called Seven times Seventy Times. The song was about forgiveness. I knew when I heard that song that God was telling me to forgive and come back to him, to stop running away in fear. To give him my life, everything. Everything I'm ashamed of and don't want others to know about. God I pray that you will lead me where I need to go, and Lord I pray that you hold me with you and to not let me run away again. I'm afraid what will happen if I run away again. I want to have true and pure relationships with others. True Friendships! Be closer to family, to let this wall come down that I might break free and be your Bride the woman you want me to be in your Church! Help me to take this step to give you my all!
I love you Jesus! Help me to know all of what you did for me, for your Church, For your Beloved, for your Bride.

struggles

Sometimes I almost can't believe that I'm struggling with pretty much the same things as I've been struggling with for years. Sometimes I feel like I should have learned my lesson by now, but obviously I have not.
Then I start to realize I'm struggling because I am not giving things to God. He wants and Demands that we give him everything. Everything means Everything. I can't decide that i'm going to follow Christ and only give him a little of my life. It doesn't work that way. If I'm following Christ then I'm giving him everything. Because He deserves Nothing LESS than Everything. I cannot decide I will give him my pride but keep my vanity...and so on. Kinda the same thing but it kind of states what I mean.
When I start to think of all my sins I've commited and will commit in the future it makes me feel like a horrible human. But, today I was reminded of the verse that All fall short of the Glory of God. Making me realize that yes I do fall short but because God's Son came to earth and was sinless and faultless, and bore our sins on a tree that we might one day choose him to be our Saviour! He has wiped us clean and made us like him that we might one day be with Him in Heaven to Fall at His feet to WORSHIP Him.
That just seems amazing.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Jesus I pray that you might lead me always. Jesus I pray for you to be my Saviour and to rescue me from the flame. Consume my heart like a fire. God I pray that I might be strong in you to fight these battles I fight. God I pray that all weapons that have been formed against me will not remain!
In Jesus name,
Amen!

Nothing more profound than the one who loved me first

I been thinking a lot lately about how profound it is that someone loved us first. Knew us before we even existed. That just blows my mind!

I sometimes get stuck in this thought process that I feel like i'm not good enough, not worthy of anyone's love so why should this prefect being love me first? Amazing how Jesus keeps pursuing us, no matter what we think, what we say, or how we act. Our sins blemish our relationship with God, but he still loves us! How can someone who is faultless, pure, and shameless, still turn to look on us with love? Isn't that just amazing? Love that pure, that magnified can touch the emptiest of hearts, the sinners that we are to turn us into a new creation through him to Glorify Him.

I in turn stop to think of all the things I've ever done, and realize God tells me that I'm clean, through his sacrifice I'm made clean and am as pure as snow!
This just makes me want to jump for joy that a being so perfect might love me that much.