running away

For most of the past twelve years I've been running away. Running away from myself, my family my future, my dreams, and most important, from God. Slowly I turn away from everything and hurt myself by denying my love for Christ, by denying Him my life I slowly kill myself from the inside out. I have to ask myself is the pain from things so bad that I can't let myself live? I can't let myself be happy? I hope I am not complaining, or whinning. But I have to be honest with myself. I am denying a love so great, one I can't even imagine. And I've come to realise over the last few years that the pain I've experienced is yes very horrible, but not life shattering enough to give up everytime I start to try. I need to have faith that I can and will get over this pain, and forgive. I listened to a song by Chris August the other day and was amazed by it. It was called Seven times Seventy Times. The song was about forgiveness. I knew when I heard that song that God was telling me to forgive and come back to him, to stop running away in fear. To give him my life, everything. Everything I'm ashamed of and don't want others to know about. God I pray that you will lead me where I need to go, and Lord I pray that you hold me with you and to not let me run away again. I'm afraid what will happen if I run away again. I want to have true and pure relationships with others. True Friendships! Be closer to family, to let this wall come down that I might break free and be your Bride the woman you want me to be in your Church! Help me to take this step to give you my all!
I love you Jesus! Help me to know all of what you did for me, for your Church, For your Beloved, for your Bride.